Well, here we are in a brand new year! I can’t say that I’m sorry to see the back of 2013 – what a tough one!! And whilst I’m not into making New Year’s resolutions - I would say that my goal for 2014 is to stay cancer free!! (& to make the most of everyday, because, let’s face it, you never know what is waiting for you just round the corner!) Now the trouble with my goal to stay cancer free is that it is so out of my control that it’s scary! I can do my best to be positive, eat healthily (really trying with that one honest……..umm, chocolate left in the cupboard you say? I’m there!!) & keep as fit as I can, but at the end of the day it feels a bit out of my hands. I am learning to live with & deal with the left over effects from chemo & radiation (bowel issues, aches, pains, tiredness, twinges, early menopause brought on by ovaries fried by radiation) However, I realised, just before Christmas, that there is a whole other emotional side to get my head round. I have spent (& probably still will) a whole heap of time going through in my head the cancer, the diagnosis, the treatments, the ‘what ifs’, the ‘after cancer issues’, the ’will I be there to see the kids grow up?’ & the complete & utter ‘gonna mess up your head constantly’ thought – ‘Is this cancer going to come back & kill me?’
I have made a pact with myself, New Year, new start & whist I can’t stop that thought going through my head (pretty much every morning when I wake up & at various other times!) I can give myself a kick up the backside & get on with living! I am truly thankful that my treatment (so far!) has worked, my long term effects seem to be manageable (so far!) – you see, I can’t help myself from putting those ‘so far’ words in, it feels if I don’t put that, then I am tempting fate & I will somehow make it come back if I’m too free with my “Oh yeah, I’ve beaten cancer” statements (I think it will jump back up shouting "Ha! got you! you thought you had it sorted, but I was just hiding, tricked you!" – how stupid is that?? I struggle to call myself a ‘cancer survivor’ & feel more like I am ‘survivING despite cancer’. It certainly messes with your head & thinking about certain bits still has me in tears even now, & probably always will.
Some people ask me if having cancer has changed me. I don’t think it has. I don’t think I have changed who I am, but I do think it has made me realise that we shouldn’t sweat the small stuff. I am here, alive, living my life & being with the people I love. I appreciate the little things & I appreciate how lucky I am. Everyone has their own worries, everyone has difficulties that they are going through & we all need to be there for each other & make the best of this life – after all, you only get one shot at it! When I read stuff on social media sites I can’t believe how awful, unkind & horrible people can be to others & often they know nothing about the person or the situation that they are commenting on. I know it’s very easy for people to put things out there & fortunately for me, I have never experienced it directed at me – but I am still shocked by some of the things people write to & about each other. It makes me think twice about posting on my blog – but if reading my ranting makes someone else’s journey a little easier (not just the cancer stuff, but the hectic life with kids & other stuff too) then I am happy to put it out there (famous last words eh?? - better run for cover!!)
I found Facebook a great comfort whist going through cancer (although I do keep my privacy settings tight). I found it a great way to tell lots of my friends what was happening without having to go through it all at the school gate a million times. I also found the messages of support I received to be a great comfort & help. But I was also conscious that I didn’t want it to get to the point where people might be saying “bloody hell, is she still banging on about that cancer?” I guess you just need to be mindful that things that are a big deal in your life will not be such a big deal to others as they are all busy fighting their own demons! And also, everyone has their own opinions about things & perhaps we need to learn to respect other people’s opinions & realise that it doesn’t make them wrong just because they differ from what we think? (Although I should just say I have the loveliest family & friends who were a fantastic support to me, both on FB & in other ways & I love them all!!)
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