Time for an update.

In the summer we decided to it was time to change our car.  My car (an old Mondeo) wasn’t much good for our family as we couldn’t all fit in to it at the same time (only five seats, okay for me and the girls but not much good at other times).  After some discussion we decided the way forward for a family of six who liked to bike and camp (and carry a load of tat around with them!!) was to go for a van – plenty of room for all our junk…..um stuff.  So we have ended up with a Ford Transit crew van (I now officially drive a bus!!) It has two rows of seats in the front & plenty of room in the back!  So when it came to my annual trip to Devon with the girls in the summer we set off on our first road trip adventure.  I loaded the van to bursting with kids, bikes, badminton sets, balls, picnic chairs etc. (travelling light is NEVER an option). As there are two seats up front with the driver there is always a big discussion (also known as a MASSSIVE argument, usually involving tears, sometimes nearly mine!!) as to whose turn it is to sit in the front (and by the way, one LONG journey to Devon counts for a lot more of a ‘go’ than numerous short local journeys and therefore the matching up of what is ‘fair’ is NEVER straight forward!)  Once all discussions (arguments) were sorted it was actually quite exciting, setting off down the motorway in a big blue van brimming with holiday stuff looking forward to exciting times ahead.  Once there I discovered the allure of the ‘front of the van’ seats even extended to my sister’s kids and so started the rota of ‘whose turn is it in the front of the van’. I usually got on okay driving it about and parking it (definitely noticed a difference trying to negotiate it around the narrow Devon lanes) and once or twice opted to choose a slightly wider parking space where possible, but all in all a good experience!! Just need to add a little update - I have now had a 'not so good' experience in the van.  The other day I got stuck in the mud!! I had parked on the edge of a field & when I came to pull away......nothing!! the wheels just spun & into the mud I sank!! I had to get pieces of wood from the back of the van, put them behind the front wheels, then reverse onto them (couldn't reverse very far due the the close proximity of the fence behind!) & then put more wood and a rubber mat in front of the wheels & then I was able to drive forward & I was free!! (admittedly COVERED in mud, but free nevertheless!!) x

C2C 2014 - The Challenge!

26^th June 2014

So just over a year out of treatment, I found myself craving a challenge, wanting something to work towards, something to occupy my waking thoughts that doesn’t start with C……well, okay, maybe I failed on the last bit because the challenge I set myself was a Coast 2 Coast mountain bike ride. Run by the lovely Purple Mountain team and raising money for Marie Curie I couldn’t think of a better way to get back out there and back to living and enjoying my life.  All booked in for the C2C ride, 150 miles, from Grange Over Sands on the West coast to Scarborough on the East, over 3 days, with some pretty hard core climbs thrown in for good measure, I began my training!!  Around Easter time I got out on a couple of hilly rides and began to doubt my ability to actually make it from one side of the country to the other in one piece! However, I persevered and with plenty of miles but a lack of hill training under my belt I set off at the crack of dawn to Grange over Sands on the Friday morning. 

I arrived and made my presence known with lots of squealing and hugging of people whom I hadn’t seen since Rob & I did this ride two years previous – with them all knowing what a year I had had, they were all pleased to see me alive and well enough to be attempting the challenge!  I went to register and was given the number 1 –‘Wow!’ I thought, all these people and I’ve been given number one – that was the first time of many times that I was made to feel special over the weekend! After the obligatory photographs and ringing of cow bells we set off.  The morning passed easily enough with me chatting to and catching up with different people which seemed to pass the time.  I was ready for the lunch stop when it came and thought that I was doing okay.  However, as we began to ride again after lunch I realised that my energy levels were beginning to dip dramatically.  We had be split into smallish groups with a guide each and I found myself struggling to keep up with my group.  The further into the  distance I saw them disappear the more worried and upset I could feel myself getting, my heart was sinking and tears were threatening to well in my eyes.  Had I bitten off more that I could chew? Was I trying to do too much too soon? Was I actually going to make it? (not making it was never really an option and I think I would have crawled across the country on my hands and knees if that’s what it took to prove to myself that I am still able to do the things I want to do despite what has happened!) So at the next refreshment stop I had a stern word with myself – (crying at this point in the proceedings would really not be good!) and I moved myself down to the next group, who were equally good, as fast and accomplished cyclists but didn’t have quite the same blood-thirsty hunger for ploughing along flat out the whole time!!  I struggled steadily up Dent Fell – totally in The Zone – I hope nobody tried to speak to me, as I really didn’t want to (couldn’t) speak, I just kept focused on the task in hand and plugged away.  We eventually made it to the hostel for the night and I lay on the grassy bank reflecting on (and worrying about) how totally drained the day had made me and how much further I still had to go!

However, I woke up the next day after a meal and a night’s rest (I’m sure I got some sleep, but really don’t sleep well in unfamiliar places) feeling that actually I could get back on my bike and carry on and so off we set.  I found Day 2 a little easier, with fewer hills and more road.  I got into my stride and even managed some of the day with the ‘we’re not stopping or slowing down for anything’ group! There was one rocky climb after the first tea stop, but I just found a little space on my own (still don’t want to talk on the hills thank you – focusing on keeping the pedals turning one gruelling revolution at a time!!) and made my way up.  At the end of Day 2 Rob was there to meet me as I climbed up the last hard hill into Osmotherely and it was a real boost to see him.

Day 3 – I thought it was all going to come undone on the morning of Day 3.  I have bowel issues left over from radiation damage and when I woke up on Sunday morning my bowel was in spasm – after my sixth visit to the toilet in the space of 10 minutes I began to wonder if I was actually going to be able to get off the toilet long enough to actually ride anywhere. Fortunately my bowel began to calm down just before the off.  We set off up a long, hard road climb and as I began climbing Rob rode up beside me!  He had got up early and driven to Helmsley (which was due to be our lunch stop) then he had biked back to Osmotherley and was now going to ride with me back to Helmsley again, where he would load up his bike and drive to Scarborough to see me finish.  It was just the boost I needed and I settled in to a morning of hard hills and tired legs.  Day 3 seemed to go on forever and towards the end of the day I felt very drained. However, the feeling going along Scarborough sea front in a massive yellow peloton following a van with its horn blaring was an unforgettable and wonderful experience.  I knew getting to the end of the ride would be emotional and I tried in vain not to think about how far I had come since finishing treatment the previous year and then promptly burst into tears (& that was pretty much the theme for the rest of my night!!)

The after party was fantastic and I was presented with the ‘Best overall rider’ yellow jersey for making it across the country despite my previous troubles.  I was so relieved that I was able to do it and that the cancer hadn’t taken away my ability to do the things I love doing and want to do.  I found the night very emotional and when Vicky did her lovely speech about me and what I had achieved it turned me into a blubbing, emotional wreck from which I never completely recovered – (although I did not blow my nose on my yellow jersey – contrary to what has been suggested – ha ha!!!) I had such a blast with an amazing group of people – and if any of you guys are reading this – you guys truly rock! Thank you! xxxxxx

Moving on.....a year down the line!!

Just got back from a wonderful time spent on a boat on the Norfolk Broads, with the family! It was really lovely. I am feeling better, fitter and stronger. And while the niggling fear of ‘what ifs’ and ‘will the cancer come back’ never completely leave me, I really felt really chilled, relaxed and able to keep things in perspective – if it comes back, it comes back, no amount of worrying/ thinking about it will make that any different and if that were to happen, wouldn’t it be a shame if I had spent all my time worrying instead of grabbing life with both hands and having the best time possible? As we drifted along the water, with the sound of the calm lapping water and the sun glinting off the gentle ripples two things occurred to me…. One, I love my life and my family; life is too short to spend it worrying about the ‘what might be’ and two, instead of beating myself up with the ‘Why me?’ I should turn it around & think – ‘Why not me?’ Awful things happen to people all the time – there is no reason why I should be any different! The hospital got back to me after looking back & my previous smears (3 and 6 years prior to diagnosis and they found nothing) so I did everything I should, went for every smear when I should, there was nothing I could, or indeed should, have done differently – just bloody unlucky that it developed so high up and didn’t get detected- bloody unlucky but time to move on! It’s nearly a year on from the end of treatment – this time last year I was just at the end of chemo and external radiotherapy and I was preparing to go into hospital for brachytherapy – what a difference a year makes! This year I have taken up learning to play the piano/keyboard, (something I have always wanted to do but never got round to!) I can honestly say I am finding it VERY challenging (as I thought I would – not a musical bone in my body!!) I’m making slow progress but ABSOLUTELY LOVING every minute (just don’t get to practise as much as I would like to, with four kids, a job, a house and general family stuff keeping me busy!). I have been to Centre Parcs on a Monaco girls reunion (remember I snuck off to Monaco for a friend’s birthday for a girly few days a few weeks after treatment?) and had a fantastic time walking, biking, swimming, giggling in the rapids, playing badminton, eating, drinking & chatting in front of the fire with some lovely ladies whom I class as very good friends! I have signed up to do a Coast 2 Coast mountain bike ride with Purple Mountain for Marie Curie again, so spent Easter in North Yorkshire training hard (in between nice meals & taking the kids swimming!) I’ve spent a wonderful few days on the Norfolk Broads sailing, rowing and being with the family! We are back in the house, even though it is still ongoing extension works, I am still enjoying the new kitchen/space and am thankful every day that I am here to enjoy our lovely home. Abbie has turned 11 and had a lovely roller disco birthday party and then spent her actual birthday at The Big Gig with the Guides (my little girl is growing up!) So all in all I have SO much to be thankful for and I intend to enjoy every minute (well maybe not every minute – must clean the toilet/ bathroom later!!)

Happy New Year

Well, here we are in a brand new year! I can’t say that I’m sorry to see the back of 2013 – what a tough one!! And whilst I’m not into making New Year’s resolutions - I would say that my goal for 2014 is to stay cancer free!! (& to make the most of everyday, because, let’s face it, you never know what is waiting for you just round the corner!) Now the trouble with my goal to stay cancer free is that it is so out of my control that it’s scary! I can do my best to be positive, eat healthily (really trying with that one honest……..umm, chocolate left in the cupboard you say? I’m there!!) & keep as fit as I can, but at the end of the day it feels a bit out of my hands. I am learning to live with & deal with the left over effects from chemo & radiation (bowel issues, aches, pains, tiredness, twinges, early menopause brought on by ovaries fried by radiation) However, I realised, just before Christmas, that there is a whole other emotional side to get my head round. I have spent (& probably still will) a whole heap of time going through in my head the cancer, the diagnosis, the treatments, the ‘what ifs’, the ‘after cancer issues’, the ’will I be there to see the kids grow up?’ & the complete & utter ‘gonna mess up your head constantly’ thought – ‘Is this cancer going to come back & kill me?’

I have made a pact with myself, New Year, new start & whist I can’t stop that thought going through my head (pretty much every morning when I wake up & at various other times!) I can give myself a kick up the backside & get on with living! I am truly thankful that my treatment (so far!) has worked, my long term effects seem to be manageable (so far!) – you see, I can’t help myself from putting those ‘so far’ words in, it feels if I don’t put that, then I am tempting fate & I will somehow make it come back if I’m too free with my “Oh yeah, I’ve beaten cancer” statements (I think it will jump back up shouting "Ha! got you! you thought you had it sorted, but I was just hiding, tricked you!" – how stupid is that?? I struggle to call myself a ‘cancer survivor’ & feel more like I am ‘survivING despite cancer’. It certainly messes with your head & thinking about certain bits still has me in tears even now, & probably always will.

Some people ask me if having cancer has changed me. I don’t think it has. I don’t think I have changed who I am, but I do think it has made me realise that we shouldn’t sweat the small stuff. I am here, alive, living my life & being with the people I love. I appreciate the little things & I appreciate how lucky I am. Everyone has their own worries, everyone has difficulties that they are going through & we all need to be there for each other & make the best of this life – after all, you only get one shot at it! When I read stuff on social media sites I can’t believe how awful, unkind & horrible people can be to others & often they know nothing about the person or the situation that they are commenting on. I know it’s very easy for people to put things out there & fortunately for me, I have never experienced it directed at me – but I am still shocked by some of the things people write to & about each other. It makes me think twice about posting on my blog – but if reading my ranting makes someone else’s journey a little easier (not just the cancer stuff, but the hectic life with kids & other stuff too) then I am happy to put it out there (famous last words eh?? - better run for cover!!)

I found Facebook a great comfort whist going through cancer (although I do keep my privacy settings tight). I found it a great way to tell lots of my friends what was happening without having to go through it all at the school gate a million times. I also found the messages of support I received to be a great comfort & help. But I was also conscious that I didn’t want it to get to the point where people might be saying “bloody hell, is she still banging on about that cancer?” I guess you just need to be mindful that things that are a big deal in your life will not be such a big deal to others as they are all busy fighting their own demons! And also, everyone has their own opinions about things & perhaps we need to learn to respect other people’s opinions & realise that it doesn’t make them wrong just because they differ from what we think? (Although I should just say I have the loveliest family & friends who were a fantastic support to me, both on FB & in other ways & I love them all!!)