Lockdown

So, what a funny year so far! It began normally enough, we got through the ‘after Christmas slump’ of January/ February and made it into March.  We had begun to plan and start looking forward to the summer. Our plans this year were to get away in the van, maybe head to France and camp our way across to the coast. Half the fun was starting to make the plans and look at the maps, so that was in full flow.  Then March came……and with-it lockdown! We first began to hear about a virus that was hitting certain countries, but at that point we weren't unduly worried, then some countries began to ‘lockdown’ and we started to sit up and take things a little more seriously.  The kids talked excitedly of the possibility of schools being closed, but the schools were reassuring them that there was no way that was going to happen.  Then, it seemed to get more worrying and suddenly the chance of schools being closed, and serious restrictions became a very real possibility.  When word first came through that we were all to stay at home as much as possible, only going out for essentials and exercise it all felt a little surreal. It felt as though we went from normal one day, to our new normal overnight.  Rob began working from home, the kids stopped going to school, I only went out to get food.  We all tried to adjust to what we were and were not meant to be doing.  The advice was, at times, confusing and we all desperately tried not to do the ‘wrong thing’. We started off watching the daily briefings but after a while they became a bit overwhelming, so I began to just catch up on the news instead, but even that got hard to deal with.  Anyway, when I decided to write a blog post about the COVID lockdown, I told myself I would focus on the positives that have come out of this situation.  However, in the spirit of balance, I will share some of the difficulties too.  The first time I walked into town to get food and people started leaping out of the way and into the hedges and road, it made me feel really sad. I understood why it was happening, but watching people desperate to get out of your way and turning away as you approach just seemed so depressing. And who knew that having no cardboard recycling collection would cause such issues, along with the problems of not being able to get hold of flour, yeast and toilet rolls!  Queuing outside Tesco was another one that got me down, I soon learnt the best time to go to avoid this particular downside to lockdown, but I still panicked if I accidentally walked the wrong way against the directional arrows they had set on the floor, desperate not to upset or offend anyone with my actions! Not being able to visit wider family or have them visit us is obviously a major downside, thank goodness for modern technology. Now for the positives, it has been amazing to have spent so much time together as a family.  The kids are growing up fast, we will blink twice and they will be out in the world, doing their thing, as they should be.  So, I have cherished every moment of spending extra time together and the lovely weather really helped.  We’ve got a few jobs done, Georgia helped me paint the shed, and garden chair.  We planted sunflowers and started a jigsaw.  We’ve slept in the Den (my shed) and had curry nights and Mexican meal nights,  had a fire pit with marshmallows, we’ve watched films, read books, gone for family walks, walked the dog daily, gone on bike rides, played table tennis, baked, cooked, made bread and other things.  Although they are all managing some school work, we are trying not to get too hung up on getting it all exactly right but rather making an effort to do something to keep things ticking over.  Rob and I have got out on our bikes so much more, due to him being here earlier in the evenings as he doesn’t have to drive home from work, which has been great.  I fully appreciate how lucky we are to have the space, equipment (like bikes) and room to do all these things, and I am very aware that it has not been so easy for others and I can only hope that people are managing to find a new normal that works for them. Anyway, we will continue to press on in these unusual times, doing the best we can, keeping in touch via Zoom and FaceTime and gradually introducing some social distant outdoor meet-ups and see where it all takes us in a few months’ time.

On Lockdown

On Lockdown

I’m dreaming of a world beyond my home,

(remember that?)

Those crazy days, we were free to roam,

(restriction free)

When we could stop and chat a while,

(those were the days)

When a hug was a greeting, not just a smile,

(forbidden now)

There was a time we didn’t run from a sneeze,

(into a tissue)

Freedom to come and go as we please,

(meeting with others)

We could walk outside, for more than an hour,

(lovely fresh air)

And it was worth getting up and taking a shower,

(not washed for days!)

We could shop just to browse or pop to a caff,

(not one in, one out)

 We could meet up with others, just for a laugh,

(pub anyone?)

When flour was something we could still get,

(no multi-buy restrictions)

And toilet rolls hadn’t sold out yet,

(nothing left)

The time will come again, we won’t hurry past,

(not too long I hope)

We’ll escape these four walls, freedom at last,

(take care, stay safe) 

Update time!!

So here we are, another year has rolled by, bringing with it fun, laughter, worry, busy times, hard work, family life.  My health, as far as I know, seems to be okay – I am on six mouth Oncology checks and I am doing well (apart from the dark times in my head when I convince myself the worst will happen – but I seem better at dealing with those times at the moment).  A family holiday to Zante in July last year was wonderful! Rob & I got away for a week in the September after I finished treatment, leaving the kids at home with Grandparents.  At the time I promised that I would take the kids there one day & so that’s what we did.  It was a lovely, relaxing, family time & I loved every single minute.

I am training at the moment for a 100-mile road ride around London in July (Prudential Ride London-Surrey) so I have been getting out on my bike quite a bit lately and getting some miles under my belt.  I am feeling fitter and stronger on the bike although I still find the tiredness at other times hard to deal with & often feel wiped out after a training ride.  The other day, whilst out on a ride I found myself absolutely desperate for a wee – now since treatment, if I get too desperate it can become quite painful & so it got to the point where I really, really HAD to go.  I pulled over just past a little bridge over the canal, threw my bike in the hedge, tucked myself in against the wall and crouched down.  It wasn’t until I was mid-flow (past the point of no return!!) when I glanced up and looked directly into the eyes of a fella coming towards me, up the path from the canal, with his dog!  Well, there was nothing I could do except say, “Sorry, you caught me wee-ing!” at which point he realised what was going on & he mumbled ‘sorry’!  The poor guy had to step over my stream to carry on his way – I imagine he had a tale to tell when he got home from his dog walk!!  In the other joys of cycling I got a bee-sting to the face when out the other day.  I think it got caught between my helmet and my glasses where it proceeded to sting just above my eye – ouchy!! As a youngster, when I stood on a bee in the garden and got stung, my foot would swell to three times its size, so as a precaution, decided to cut the ride short in case my face was to start swelling – fortunately, other than a bit of localised swelling around my eye, it was absolutely fine!

In other news we got a puppy in the Autumn – a Cocker Spaniel.  She has been lots of hard work but lots of fun too! She gets me out on walks, even on days when I don’t really feel like it & even though she is into everything, it is nice having a bit of company as I clean the house and tidy up!

Two years on..........

So I am approaching two years since I finished treatment in early June 2013 and with it brings mixed emotions. I am, of course, so happy to still be here, living my life, doing the things I want to do.  I am, of course, completely grateful that the damage and side effects of treatment I have been left with (bowel, bladder issues, menopause, nerve damage) are all completely manageable and do not impinge on my everyday life too much. However, I do still sometimes find myself struggling with ‘The Fear’ and living each day on a knife edge hoping that it will not return.  I have needed some investigation this year for a continuous sore throat and have been for an ultra sound scan on my throat, a camera into my throat and a camera all the way down my oesophagus to my stomach, fortunately all seems to look okay which, although doesn’t solve the cause of the continual bad throat, it does go some way to reassure my constant worry about reoccurrence.  Every time I get a headache or an ache or pain my mind goes into overdrive and I have myself written off by the end of the day! Following a good night’s sleep and feeling better in the morning I can usually convince myself that I am actually okay!  It’s the not having any way of knowing, sure they will examine me internally at my oncology check in June, but they will have no way of knowing if any spots of disease have spread to my lungs, liver, brain or anywhere else.  You just have to assume they haven’t until you get cause to think otherwise and that it SO HARD.  It’s a bit like being given a bomb to hold and told that it may or may not go off and even though it’s heavy and it weighs you down and makes you scared you just have to carry on. And then you start feeling guilty – there are people I know still going through this, there are people I know who did not get out the other side, surely I don’t have the right to wallow in any self-pity? I was given the all-clear and to date I have no reason to think that anything sinister is going on anywhere inside, but it just not that easy.  I guess it’s just something that you have to learn to live with and deal with.  Certainly writing this blog helps, so thank you for letting me get this off my chest to you, it clears my head and gives me a renewed appreciation for how lucky I am. It reminds me that it’s important to get on with my life and enjoy it with the people I love, doing the things I want to do. So I’ll get off and get on with something…………..  None of us know what is around the corner so (trying not to sound too cheesy) please try to look for the good in life and people, look after each other, appreciate what you have and get on with living your life the best way you know how! xxxx

Time for an update.

In the summer we decided to it was time to change our car.  My car (an old Mondeo) wasn’t much good for our family as we couldn’t all fit in to it at the same time (only five seats, okay for me and the girls but not much good at other times).  After some discussion we decided the way forward for a family of six who liked to bike and camp (and carry a load of tat around with them!!) was to go for a van – plenty of room for all our junk…..um stuff.  So we have ended up with a Ford Transit crew van (I now officially drive a bus!!) It has two rows of seats in the front & plenty of room in the back!  So when it came to my annual trip to Devon with the girls in the summer we set off on our first road trip adventure.  I loaded the van to bursting with kids, bikes, badminton sets, balls, picnic chairs etc. (travelling light is NEVER an option). As there are two seats up front with the driver there is always a big discussion (also known as a MASSSIVE argument, usually involving tears, sometimes nearly mine!!) as to whose turn it is to sit in the front (and by the way, one LONG journey to Devon counts for a lot more of a ‘go’ than numerous short local journeys and therefore the matching up of what is ‘fair’ is NEVER straight forward!)  Once all discussions (arguments) were sorted it was actually quite exciting, setting off down the motorway in a big blue van brimming with holiday stuff looking forward to exciting times ahead.  Once there I discovered the allure of the ‘front of the van’ seats even extended to my sister’s kids and so started the rota of ‘whose turn is it in the front of the van’. I usually got on okay driving it about and parking it (definitely noticed a difference trying to negotiate it around the narrow Devon lanes) and once or twice opted to choose a slightly wider parking space where possible, but all in all a good experience!! Just need to add a little update - I have now had a 'not so good' experience in the van.  The other day I got stuck in the mud!! I had parked on the edge of a field & when I came to pull away......nothing!! the wheels just spun & into the mud I sank!! I had to get pieces of wood from the back of the van, put them behind the front wheels, then reverse onto them (couldn't reverse very far due the the close proximity of the fence behind!) & then put more wood and a rubber mat in front of the wheels & then I was able to drive forward & I was free!! (admittedly COVERED in mud, but free nevertheless!!) x

C2C 2014 - The Challenge!

26^th June 2014

So just over a year out of treatment, I found myself craving a challenge, wanting something to work towards, something to occupy my waking thoughts that doesn’t start with C……well, okay, maybe I failed on the last bit because the challenge I set myself was a Coast 2 Coast mountain bike ride. Run by the lovely Purple Mountain team and raising money for Marie Curie I couldn’t think of a better way to get back out there and back to living and enjoying my life.  All booked in for the C2C ride, 150 miles, from Grange Over Sands on the West coast to Scarborough on the East, over 3 days, with some pretty hard core climbs thrown in for good measure, I began my training!!  Around Easter time I got out on a couple of hilly rides and began to doubt my ability to actually make it from one side of the country to the other in one piece! However, I persevered and with plenty of miles but a lack of hill training under my belt I set off at the crack of dawn to Grange over Sands on the Friday morning. 

I arrived and made my presence known with lots of squealing and hugging of people whom I hadn’t seen since Rob & I did this ride two years previous – with them all knowing what a year I had had, they were all pleased to see me alive and well enough to be attempting the challenge!  I went to register and was given the number 1 –‘Wow!’ I thought, all these people and I’ve been given number one – that was the first time of many times that I was made to feel special over the weekend! After the obligatory photographs and ringing of cow bells we set off.  The morning passed easily enough with me chatting to and catching up with different people which seemed to pass the time.  I was ready for the lunch stop when it came and thought that I was doing okay.  However, as we began to ride again after lunch I realised that my energy levels were beginning to dip dramatically.  We had be split into smallish groups with a guide each and I found myself struggling to keep up with my group.  The further into the  distance I saw them disappear the more worried and upset I could feel myself getting, my heart was sinking and tears were threatening to well in my eyes.  Had I bitten off more that I could chew? Was I trying to do too much too soon? Was I actually going to make it? (not making it was never really an option and I think I would have crawled across the country on my hands and knees if that’s what it took to prove to myself that I am still able to do the things I want to do despite what has happened!) So at the next refreshment stop I had a stern word with myself – (crying at this point in the proceedings would really not be good!) and I moved myself down to the next group, who were equally good, as fast and accomplished cyclists but didn’t have quite the same blood-thirsty hunger for ploughing along flat out the whole time!!  I struggled steadily up Dent Fell – totally in The Zone – I hope nobody tried to speak to me, as I really didn’t want to (couldn’t) speak, I just kept focused on the task in hand and plugged away.  We eventually made it to the hostel for the night and I lay on the grassy bank reflecting on (and worrying about) how totally drained the day had made me and how much further I still had to go!

However, I woke up the next day after a meal and a night’s rest (I’m sure I got some sleep, but really don’t sleep well in unfamiliar places) feeling that actually I could get back on my bike and carry on and so off we set.  I found Day 2 a little easier, with fewer hills and more road.  I got into my stride and even managed some of the day with the ‘we’re not stopping or slowing down for anything’ group! There was one rocky climb after the first tea stop, but I just found a little space on my own (still don’t want to talk on the hills thank you – focusing on keeping the pedals turning one gruelling revolution at a time!!) and made my way up.  At the end of Day 2 Rob was there to meet me as I climbed up the last hard hill into Osmotherely and it was a real boost to see him.

Day 3 – I thought it was all going to come undone on the morning of Day 3.  I have bowel issues left over from radiation damage and when I woke up on Sunday morning my bowel was in spasm – after my sixth visit to the toilet in the space of 10 minutes I began to wonder if I was actually going to be able to get off the toilet long enough to actually ride anywhere. Fortunately my bowel began to calm down just before the off.  We set off up a long, hard road climb and as I began climbing Rob rode up beside me!  He had got up early and driven to Helmsley (which was due to be our lunch stop) then he had biked back to Osmotherley and was now going to ride with me back to Helmsley again, where he would load up his bike and drive to Scarborough to see me finish.  It was just the boost I needed and I settled in to a morning of hard hills and tired legs.  Day 3 seemed to go on forever and towards the end of the day I felt very drained. However, the feeling going along Scarborough sea front in a massive yellow peloton following a van with its horn blaring was an unforgettable and wonderful experience.  I knew getting to the end of the ride would be emotional and I tried in vain not to think about how far I had come since finishing treatment the previous year and then promptly burst into tears (& that was pretty much the theme for the rest of my night!!)

The after party was fantastic and I was presented with the ‘Best overall rider’ yellow jersey for making it across the country despite my previous troubles.  I was so relieved that I was able to do it and that the cancer hadn’t taken away my ability to do the things I love doing and want to do.  I found the night very emotional and when Vicky did her lovely speech about me and what I had achieved it turned me into a blubbing, emotional wreck from which I never completely recovered – (although I did not blow my nose on my yellow jersey – contrary to what has been suggested – ha ha!!!) I had such a blast with an amazing group of people – and if any of you guys are reading this – you guys truly rock! Thank you! xxxxxx