Two years on..........

So I am approaching two years since I finished treatment in early June 2013 and with it brings mixed emotions. I am, of course, so happy to still be here, living my life, doing the things I want to do.  I am, of course, completely grateful that the damage and side effects of treatment I have been left with (bowel, bladder issues, menopause, nerve damage) are all completely manageable and do not impinge on my everyday life too much. However, I do still sometimes find myself struggling with ‘The Fear’ and living each day on a knife edge hoping that it will not return.  I have needed some investigation this year for a continuous sore throat and have been for an ultra sound scan on my throat, a camera into my throat and a camera all the way down my oesophagus to my stomach, fortunately all seems to look okay which, although doesn’t solve the cause of the continual bad throat, it does go some way to reassure my constant worry about reoccurrence.  Every time I get a headache or an ache or pain my mind goes into overdrive and I have myself written off by the end of the day! Following a good night’s sleep and feeling better in the morning I can usually convince myself that I am actually okay!  It’s the not having any way of knowing, sure they will examine me internally at my oncology check in June, but they will have no way of knowing if any spots of disease have spread to my lungs, liver, brain or anywhere else.  You just have to assume they haven’t until you get cause to think otherwise and that it SO HARD.  It’s a bit like being given a bomb to hold and told that it may or may not go off and even though it’s heavy and it weighs you down and makes you scared you just have to carry on. And then you start feeling guilty – there are people I know still going through this, there are people I know who did not get out the other side, surely I don’t have the right to wallow in any self-pity? I was given the all-clear and to date I have no reason to think that anything sinister is going on anywhere inside, but it just not that easy.  I guess it’s just something that you have to learn to live with and deal with.  Certainly writing this blog helps, so thank you for letting me get this off my chest to you, it clears my head and gives me a renewed appreciation for how lucky I am. It reminds me that it’s important to get on with my life and enjoy it with the people I love, doing the things I want to do. So I’ll get off and get on with something…………..  None of us know what is around the corner so (trying not to sound too cheesy) please try to look for the good in life and people, look after each other, appreciate what you have and get on with living your life the best way you know how! xxxx