The following is from the journal that I began keeping to help me through the difficult cancer time!
March 2013
MONDAY, 25 MARCH 2013 09:00
There's nothing that completely & catastrophically ruins your day quite like being taken into the doctors room to be told that you have cervical cancer. Shit, talk about a bad day. It didn't come as a total surprise at that point, as, after getting the results of an abnormal smear a few weeks ago I went to have abnormal cells burnt off & biopsy. Probably just paranoid, but, even though they wouldn't tell me anything at the time I had a feeling it wasn't looking right. Sure enough just over a week later I got a phone call on the Friday morning telling me I needed to be back at the hospital at 8.50am on the Monday morning to get the results of my biopsies. You don't get that sort of call to be told that everything's okay & so began my first weekend of worrying, feeling sick & not sleeping!! Monday morning came & we were told that I have cancer up inside my cervix. I now have to wait for further tests, MRI scan, CT scan & camera inserted into my bladder (to see if it has spread there) then they will look at all the results & put together a treatment plan. It will involve a hysterectomy or chemo & radio therapy. Well that was it, I felt like my world had just blown apart. I am not scared of being ill or going through treatment but I am absolutely & completely petrified of not seeing the kids grow up & being there for them when they need me & not being there for Rob either & totally wrecking his life. At first I was in total shock, I couldn't stop crying & couldn't even look at the kids without filling up. I then went through the 'how unfair' stage, why me? I have never missed a smear, I don't smoke, I exercise regularly, I don't drink excessively, I eat a reasonable diet - what the hell had I done that meant I got this horrible thing happen to me? & then there's having to tell everyone, loads more tears & snot later I actually began to find that once people knew it actually became a little easier, although I do feel sad about what others are having to go through, particularly my Mum, Dad & sister. Rob has been absolutely brilliant, he has been calm, practical & incredibly helpful & thoughtful - I don't think I could get through it without him & we are only right at the start of this journey. We have told the kids that there's something bad inside me & the doctors are going to try to sort it out. I know they are worried, particularly Abbie, who, being that but older understands a bit more. I feel really bad for them that they are going to have to go through this. They are all still so young & dependent on me (Abbie 9, Millie 8 & Hannah & Georgia 6) & I know that whatever happens & whatever they have to watch me go through will be incredibly difficult & upsetting for them.
FRIDAY, 29 MARCH 2013 18:06
Today has been a slightly better day! I have definitely been struggling a bit this week. It started off, as most other days this week, with me quietly sobbing to myself in the shower or at any other quiet moment when I gave my brain too much time to get carried away, but then Rob & I went out on a bike ride. We just did a steady 15 miles around the local villages near Rob's parents house, but you wouldn't believe the difference that a bit of exercise & normality actually had (or maybe you would?) I got back from the ride feeling much happier, more positive & more relaxed. I hope it also means that I will sleep better tonight as I am fed up of watching the hands of the click (okay, the flash of the digital numbers) tick by through the night!
SATURDAY, 30 MARCH 2013 09:06
Today is day for CT scan. We are staying at Rob's parents in North Yorkshire this weekend, so today's journey to Leicester General will involve a six hour round trip! Oh joy! Still, we are going to try to find somewhere nice for lunch afterwards, before we head back & at least the kids will have a fun day with Grandma & Grandad going into town to spend their pocket money!! When we woke up this morning it was snowing! Very pretty & fortunately the sun is now out for the journey.
SATURDAY, 30 MARCH 2013 13:13
Scan is done! The journey down was fine, the roads where quiet & we made good time. When we arrived in the scan department I was asked to change into a gown but to leave my knickers, socks & shoes on!! That was a good look, rocking a hospital gown with a pair of big black boots!! I was injected with some dye (to make the images clearer) & then I was passed through a large 'polo' with an inside section that spun like the spin cycle on a washing machine! A couple of goes in & out of the large 'polo' & I was done. Rob & I then went to the pub for lunch before heading back to North Yorkshire. I am trying very hard not to think too much about what they might have seen on their screens, I won't be told any results until my follow up appointment on 15th but having the scan makes it all feel a bit more real - can't pretend it's not happening when being passed into a large machine with dye pumping into my arm (apparently the dye comes out in my wee - but it won't be rainbow coloured - I asked!!) I am definitely coping a lot better today (although that hugely depends on what I let myself think about) Modern technology in certainly playing an important part in helping me & keeping my sane. Messaging my sister, Mum & friends on Facebook, email & text seems to have become a very helpful coping mechanism. Also, my new toy (iPad mini) to take with me to appointments in a great distraction & writing this journal on it is a great comfort. Once again Rob has been a huge help & friend today! Don't think I could do it without him. Love him so much.
SUNDAY, 31 MARCH 2013 10:37
Had a bit if a wobble yesterday. I think the long journey & reality of going for the scan really took it's toll. It was just little things that set me off, Millie wanting her dinner swapping to 'her' plate, Hannah needing help when she was struggling with eating some meat & Georgia getting upset about something & needing a big 'mummy cuddle' - I couldn't stop myself from thinking about who would be there for them, for the little things if I wasn't anymore. There are somethings that only a mummy notices as I am the one that spends so much time with them, I know them so well. I know I've got to stay positive & I can, most of the time but sometimes it all just overwhelms me again.
SUNDAY, 31 MARCH 2013 17:33
I have decided that today is staying positive day! After being quite upset last night I am only going to think positive thoughts today!! Rob managed to talk me into going out for a bike ride, which was good as I was all set for having a moping, feeling sorry for myself day! A couple of miles into the ride I could feel my mood starting to lift - I decided that Rob & I have got plenty more miles to ride together so I will just have to beat this thing.
Well I'm knackered! Today has been okay but I feel really tired & ready to go home now.
April 2013
MONDAY, 1 APRIL 2013 10:40
Morning! Not a particularly good nights sleep last night - it started well but then Hannah came in for a cuddle at 2.00am (which was fine, I enjoy a Hannah cuddle) but after I'd put her back in her own bed an hour or so later I just couldn't get back to sleep - so after lying in the dark for ages, trying to keep my thoughts under control, I gave up and read my book for a while. Therefore I have woken up this morning feeling even more tired than ever! I think one of these days I may have to give in to the odd day time nap - which I have always been quite partial to, but since receiving the cancer news, I've been trying to avoid through fear of then lying awake at night staring into the darkness.
TUESDAY, 2 APRIL 2013 19:12
It's funny because I don't particularly feel poorly. It feels that some people, when I tell them, are expecting me to look or feel poorly. I am however feeling tired, I have no appetite, I feel sick & start to feel full very quickly if I eat but I think a lot of that is due to stress, emotions & adrenaline. At other times I feel perfectly normal & absolutely no different to a couple of weeks ago when I was running a great PB on a 10k & happily mountain biking around Cannock Chase. It's so confusing! I think that's maybe why this is all such a shock. Apart from a very small amount of bleeding or maybe even just slight discolouring between periods I didn't have any symptoms. Having spoken to my doctor about the odd touch of bleeding I felt reassured when he told me I had an abrasion on my cervix that would be causing the bleeding. Sleeping wasn't very good last night, having travelled back from Rob's parents via meeting some friends at a pub for tea en route we went to bed late. I then woke at 3.00am & could not get back to sleep. I ended up listening to music for a long while but sleep was most definitely very elusive!
THURSDAY, 4 APRIL 2013 12:48
So yesterday I went into hospital to have a camera inserted into my bladder and cervix to stage the cancer and see if it had spread to my bladder. The appointment was booked for Friday, but they phoned me on Tuesday and asked if I could go in on Wednesday instead, so of course I jumped at going in earlier! The problem was that I didn't have time for a pre~op, so I went in quite unprepared, which threw me a bit. I didn't know that Rob wouldn't be able to stay with me, or even set foot on the ward with me (which was fine ~ it was just the not knowing) I hadn't got my sample of urine or had a wash that morning with the anti~bacterial wash they would have given me at my pre~op, which again, wasn't a problem, it just meant I had to shower there & wee for them in a pot!! I didn't take a dressing gown or slippers as I just didn't think (they would have told me that at the pre~op too) We turned up at the hospital at 7.30am (I had not eaten since 6.30 the night before and only had a small drink of water at 5.30am.) As it turned out I was last on the list & did not get taken down for my procedure until 4.30pm which made for a very long & hungry day. By the time they did get me to the theatre I was dehydrated & they couldn't get a needle into the vein in my hand. They had to put me to sleep using gas & then put the needle in when I was asleep. We didn't get home until 8.00pm. The best & positive news to come out of the day was that the cancer has not spread to my bladder. However that is as much as the consultant was willing to tell me. I now have to wait for the rest of the results to all be put together.
To add a little excitement to the day the girls had gone to Alton Towers for the day with Penny (Rob's sister) & I got a phone call halfway through the morning from a member of staff from Alton Towers saying that he had my daughter Georgia with him (I bought all the kids wrist bands with contact details on & they wear them when we go to places like that). So I was able to text him Penny's number & it was all quickly resolved. You can rely on kids to distract you & give you something else to think about in any situation!!
SATURDAY, 6 APRIL 2013 19:18
Today has not been a too bad day. Abbie & I went to run the Conker's Parkrun this morning (5K). I really enjoyed it, it gave me a real boost & running with the lovely Abbie is always a blast as she's not a natural athlete - although I was VERY proud of her this morning & she got a personal best of 36 mins - I'll make a runner of her yet!
We made the decision to tell the kids about the cancer today - we used the tips from the Macmillan site as a guide to what to say! I actually feel better now they know & we don't have to worry about them overhearing stuff or thinking they can't ask us stuff if they are concerned about something. I told the Mum's from school via a private FB message as I don't want to go over & over it at the school gates - & then one of the kids in Abbie's class kik messaged her to say 'sorry about your mum, hope she gets better' so we thought it was time to say something before they heard stuff!! They seem to have taken it okay. Abbie said that she was a bit worried, Hannah & Georgia started climbing all over me, which is usually a sign that they are looking for a bit of reassurance & Millie made a few jokes, which is often her way of defusing a tense situation or cheering people up (she doesn't like to see others upset or worried).
TUESDAY, 9 APRIL 2013 12:51
Yesterday we found out mid morning that we were meant to be at the hospital at 10.30 for an appointment that we knew nothing about!! Which resulted in a mad dash to the hospital. Because they'd managed to move my camera investigation forward last week, the consultant had taken my case to last Thursdays care meeting - so she could get things moving, so she wanted to see us to give us results so far. The cancer is quite big, about 4cm but the good news is that it hasn't spread. Although she did say that I had some 'thickening' on one side, which I understood to mean that it's in the process of beginning to spread. She's graded it as 2b (because of the thickening) & it is too big for hysterectomy so we are going down the radio/chemo therapy route. Over the next few weeks I will start treatment. I will have 28 radiotherapy treatments (every weekday for just under 6 weeks) & chemo once a week for five of the weeks (to make the radiotherapy work better). I feel better knowing what the treatment will be and knowing we've started the process to get it going. However, I did have a bit of a melt down last night, involving uncontrollable sobbing! I think it all just got too much. I am totally knackered, washed out & FED UP now - I don't want to be doing this anymore, I just want to go back to before. I know I have to stay positive & give the treatment my absolute best shot & I will - I think I just needed a bloody good cry first!!
THURSDAY, 11 APRIL 2013 23:04
Today we went to Leicester Royal to meet the radiotherapy oncologist who will be in charge of my radio & chemo therapy treatment. He seemed like a nice guy, he was very positive & told me that he could get rid of this shit for me (okay, he didn't actually use the word 'shit' but that was the gist!!) He also gave Rob some interesting homework, he told us that treatment can narrow certain areas so we could either get ourselves off to Ann Summers or use the real thing if there was a willing participant available!! (His funniest comment was “you need to keep it stretched, I've got to get back in there afterwards to check everything!!”) I found all the side effect stuff pretty daunting, but I just need to accept that it's a necessary consequence of what we've going through & deal with things as they occur. He told me that because the treatment is very localised, my hair won't drop out - bang goes my chance to shave my head!! I got me a couple of tattoos today!! They measured me up using the CT scanner & then marked the area using three small tattoo dots, one on each hip & one central - I did ask if they could do me a couple of little hearts but apparently it's dots only!! Just need to get the MRI done tomorrow & then they'll have all the information they need to get the treatment underway.
FRIDAY, 12 APRIL 2013 18:50
I went for the MRI scan this morn. I had to have a full bladder, so the letter told me to drink a pint of water an hour or so before hand. I drank a pint just before 7.00am & then set off (Rob didn't come with me on this one, he took the kids to school) I got there at 8.00am for my 8.05 appointment (already feeling like I needed a wee) I wasn't taken into the scan room until about 8.25 (by this time quite desperate !!) I lay on the machine ready & just before she put me in I asked her how long it might take & she said, “Oh about 30 mins” (gulp!!) the first 20 mins were okay, the good thing about being tall & having an abdominal scan is that my head almost came out the top end of the MRI machine - so didn't feel claustrophobic. However by the last 10 mins I was absolutely bursting for a wee, to the point where it was actually hurting!!! When she finally pulled me out (phew!) she asked if I was okay - I said I was fine but just bursting!! She said that she noticed on my scan that my bladder was absolutely full!! so I ran to the toilet & have never been so relieved to go for a pee!!!!
Sally & I got out on our bikes for a ten mile ride this afternoon. It was wonderful to be riding the Hicks trails in the sunshine - a real boost! I felt really good afterwards too.....until about 7.30 when my energy levels just dropped like a stone!! #SofaSleeping
SATURDAY, 13 APRIL 2013 22:06
I ran the Conker's Parkrun this morning with Sally. It was lovely to get out in the morning sunshine & get some air in my lungs!! It was lovely that Rob & the girls came along for support. I didn't find the run as hard as I thought I would although I did start to feel quite sick on the way back - so is that just in my mind? Or is it the cancer doing that? I'm really worried about being able to keep the exercise up - I need to exercise, I feel dreadful if I don't, both physically & psychological. I was reading today that exercise can be really beneficial when undergoing treatment, just have to be careful to take it steady & not push it too far!! I don't feel nearly so tired tonight after running as I did last night - maybe I'm building a bit of strength back up??? After not doing so much exercise over the last few weeks!!
WEDNESDAY, 17 APRIL 2013 14:30
Things have been a bit up & down over the last few days. I've been through times of feeling really positive & sure that we can beat this. Then I've been through times of real sadness & feeling that it's so unfair, what have I done to deserve this, feeling so fed up & wishing we could go back to how things were before the cancer. The weather is improving & I should be out running & on my bike & while I am making every effort to carry on with exercise, I am taking it steady & reading so much into every time I feel sick or have an ache or pain. The treatment plan has now been decided & I start radiotherapy & chemo on Monday - whilst I am dreading it in some respects & very worried about all the negative side effects (some long lasting) I am also ready to just get on with it now. I posted a couple of updates on Facebook over the last week & it has been really lovely (& sometimes very emotional) to read all the words of love, kindness & support from everyone.
FRIDAY, 19 APRIL 2013 22:09
Today I met the chemo nurse for a pre-chemo meeting & yesterday I met a radiotherapist for a pre-radiotherapy meeting. It all feels one step closer now! I feel scared & just want to get on with it now! I am terrified of all the risks & side effects. Since I don't really have any symptoms, I did find myself wondering today if maybe they'd got it all wrong - I thought maybe one of these times they'd say “sorry, we've just realised we made a mistake, you don't have cancer at all!”
I went on the Hicks night ride with Rob last night & aside from feeling knackered I found it very hard to believe there was anything wrong with me as I was whizzing around the trails. Obviously, once they start on me with all their drugs & treatments I'll soon feel like there's plenty wrong with me - gotta just hope they know what they're doing eh? I sometimes still can't quite believe this is actually happening.
SATURDAY, 20 APRIL 2013 18:44
It was a beautiful sunny start to the day. We all went up to Conkers & ran the 5k Parkrun in the morning sun (fancy dress today too!). Millie ran a strong run. Abbie & Hannah ran/walked with Abbie's friend Katie. Georgia & I had a lovely walk/jog/chat in the morning sunshine. What a fab start to the day! This afternoon we looked at houses to rent while we have the extension done, we also had the builder round to finalise what we want & accept him as the builder who is going to undertake the work. I have drawn up a large wall chart/ plan showing all my treatments over the next six weeks & details about who is going to help with the kids & stuff! I feel like it's all a bit clearer in my mind, but still quite nervous about starting!
SUNDAY, 21 APRIL 2013 11:05
Had an absolutely fantastic day at the Run & Ride 2 hour enduro event. Rob did the four hour one & I did the 2 hour one - I had a brilliant time, I really enjoyed the course. I managed 2 laps round in 1 hour 45 mins & to my great surprise & delight I came second & got onto the podium!! FAB!
MONDAY, 22 APRIL 2013 11:08
First day of chemo & radiotherapy today! I was glad that I kept busy yesterday with biking as it really kept my mind off it! I am sat here on the chemo suite having my fluids put in before they put the chemo drug in. I am terrified but pleased that treatment has started - the soon I start, the sooner I can get this done!!
It was a long day today. I arrived at the hospital at 10.00 for my 10.30 appointment - I was called in at about 10.45. I was then given meds (anti sickness & steroids) & a nurse dug about for a bit until she managed to get a vein. After that I had 2 hours of fluids, 1 hour of Cisplatin (chemo drug) & then another hour of fluids. I then made my way downstairs to the radiotherapy department where I waited about half an hour & then I was taken in for 20 mins of radiotherapy. I feel fine so far - tired from long day, but not overly so.
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